Love & Guilt

Posted on: June 8, 2013

As summer comes, we’ve been having a lot of sun for the past couple of days. In fact, I have to sleep on my guest bedroom since it was cooler than my master bedroom and plus, I keep sneezing when my hubby turns on the fan in our bedroom. Arghhh… I hate hay fever 😦 All the pollens make my nose itchy and my eyes swollen 😥

Anyhow, in the past week, I’ve been bringing Biscotti out to our backyard. This little bunny has a BIG apetite for a small figure! Well, to be fair, his digestive system works pretty fast. Although, Biscotti is only a bit over 4 months old now, he’s getting very long now. I know…. He’s not fatter but longer. When I looked at his pictures and videos of the ones when I brought him home, he looked so tiny – as the size of my palm. And now…. He’s at least twice the length and his face is a bit chubby now which reminds me of Hamtaro – my favourite little hamster anime from Japan. Everytime I let him out of his cage, the first thing he does is looking for food – even after I just fed him 5 minutes ago -_-” Apparently, this little rascal is quite smart. I store his pallet – which I use as his treat during hurdle exercise – in my guest room. By the first month, he knows where to look for the treat! He always goes straight to the guest room door and starts scratching the door – and sometimes, cutely & hopelessly looks at me begging for treat! Just last night, I let him out and I fell asleep. I forgot to close my guest room door. My hubby felt so weird because Scotti was so quiet. My hubby found him having a FEAST by planting his whole face into the bag of pallet and joyfully eating the pallet inside the bag! Naughty rabbit hahahaa….

When I first got him, I wasn’t sure I can love him the way I love Honey before. I treated Honey as my kid and when she passed away, my heart was broken. Unknowingly, my love to Scotti grows bigger every day. Not only is he smart (in terms of looking for treat & jumping hurdles), but he’s also more obedient and doesn’t poo & pee when I let him out – unlike Honey. The way I see it, Honey was more like me. Free spirited, stubborn, had her own way, but yet gentle and like to be loved. On the other hand, Biscotti is more like my hubby: always hungry hahahaha…. j/k my lovely hubby 😛

I didn’t realize this until just couple days ago. This was when I got weird dreams about rabbit for 2 days in a row. The first dream was about my neighbour threatens me to kidnap Biscotti…. But then, the setting was in my home country but it had my house there in which where I live now… super weird hahahah…… The story was – as I remembered vaguely by now – one of the neighbours across the house was dumping their garbage into our front yard. I told them nicely if they don’t have enough garbage bin, they can ask us first to use our garbage bin instead of just dumping them without our consent. Then the neighbours yelled at me and I got mad. I started screaming – and apparently, as my hubby said, he heard me screaming that night… Yeah, my dream was that intense haahaha…. Then after the argument, the next morning, I found that my neighbour mowed my backyard lawn with words “Skuti… Skuti…” – the slang name that I use to call Scotti…. I felt paranoia and thought that the neighbours wanted to kidnap my Scotti. So, I screamed to my hubby and grabbed Scotti *gently* and put him into a safe place. However, there’s another bunny in that space. Even in my dream, I felt a bit weird, then I looked again inside that space and voila, I have 2 bunnies! One is black and one is white. I don’t have a clue who they are because Scotti is a dusty brown colored! Well, my alarm went off and I woke up feeling uneasy and puzzled @_@

The second dream was weirder. In my dream, I was about getting married or maybe just coming home from my wedding party – I forgot. Again, the setting was in my home country, in my hubby home town to be exact, but not in his house – see so complicated. I don’t really remember the beginning of the dream but I felt like someone was chasing me and my hubby in a mall parking lot – the one with spiralled ascending driveway. At one point, we decided to sneak into a small hidden opening to avoid those who are chasing after us – oh… sounds like one of Dan Brown’s novel hahaha… Voila… we’re inside what-supposed-to-be my hubby house – that I didn’t recognize it at all. My hubby kept saying that we had to keep running but then I stopped in front of a cupboard and pulled out a shoe box. Inside, there were 3 baby bunnies. They were just couple days old with their eyes closed and little fur – one was black, one was white, and the other one was actually a white plastic baby bunny toy. Then, my hubby said to leave the box behind but I insisted that I should bring it with me. And that was the end of my dream as my alarm went off.

So, what’s the meaning behind these weird dreams? I’m totally in the blue! The only thing that I can explain was that during my evening grass trimming a.k.a Scotti’s-lunch-buffet-at-my-backyard I’m starting to feel the love to Scotti as what I felt to Honey. And it makes me scared because I don’t want to forget Honey but yet, I want to love Scotti as deep (or more) as I love Honey. I guess a little bit of guilt clouded my heart and tried to pull me back to Honey. After getting those 2 dreams, I missed Honey so so so much. I had a cover picture on my facebook, just one picture of Honey when she was still in a good health – I hid my Honey’s album because I still can’t bear the pain looking at her pictures – and I almost cried when I saw it. Maybe the 2 bunnies in my dream is my possessive heart wanting to love both Honey and Scotti equally. I know Honey is just a memory now, even though I missed stroking her velvety fur and I missed her sitting next to me when I’m browsing with my laptop. I know that Scotti’s personality is different than Honey and yet, I tried to make him like her…. I just wish that both of them were playing and cuddling cutely now in the cage but that’s not possible. Yet, for some reason, I’m thankful for Honey passing. Because if she’s still here, I wouldn’t met Scotti and loved him like I am today.

It is tough to find a new love. A little bit of guilt of letting some one go might pulls us into deeper denial and may hinder the love that grows for the new love. I know that Honey felt blessed and had a happy life. I just hope that she’ll understand that with me moving on to love Scotti is not a way for me forgetting her but rather learning from my past mistakes and cherishing every moment I had with her. Also, it makes me understand on how valuable time is; thus, I better spend it wisely with Scotti because I’ll never know what tomorrow will be.

So, I leave you now with latest pictures of Scotti having lunch buffet in one sunny evening! Enjoy!


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